Guarded

I hear what you’re saying to me 

“I’m not like the other ones,” 

trust me I’ve heard it before. 

That same exact line, but with their hands, they still explored. They explored parts of my heart that I should have kept hidden but their words were like pins that lodged themselves into a place that I should have guarded. 

But, 

I didn’t.

You see, I let his silver tongue get the best of me. He promised me love and everything in between while he was in between me. Making me feel good. No, making my flesh feel good. Cause my heart, he didn’t really care for. He knew what to say in order for the glass around my heart to be removed. I thought if I removed the glass and saw my vulnerability he would love me better. 

But, 

He didn’t.

I allowed myself to listen to the lies. 

I allowed myself to get hurt because I wanted a warm body for the moment.

I allowed myself to accept long term emotional pain so my body could be satisfied. 

But it wasn’t just the sex that kept me around. It was the conversations we would have. The laughter we would share. The tears I cried on his shoulder. But he never loved me. He couldn’t have. Because every time he made me smile, he would stab my heart 4 times. So now I have to guard it. 

I have to guard this heart of mine.

It ain’t easy because sometimes I get tired. 

I get tired of overthinking and wondering if your motives are really true. 

I get tired from tossing and turning all night because I really do want to. 

I want to remove this glass around my heart.

Hell, I really want you to shatter that glass!!! 

Break it and bandage my open wounds with your truth. Heal my heart with your genuine spirit. And reassure me that even though this heart of mine is damaged, IT CAN STILL LOVE AGAIN.

Because,

I can 

I know the love is there.

I know it can be revived.

I know I can smile again.

I know I don’t have to keep the glass around my heart. But I just can’t give my heart to anybody. So excuse me if I ask you a lot of questions. Excuse me if I give you the side eye. Excuse me if I don’t give you my all. But this time I gotta be sure, this time, I can’t be wrong. This time, I gotta be a little more wiser. This time I have to practice a little self-control. This time, I’m not guarding my heart, I’m waiting for the right one to come and smash the glass.