Walking Away....

I've tried bar soaps and shower gels,
bath salts and body lotions
but I still can't remove the pain that you've placed on my heart.

I've tried standing under the running water
crying out to God to remove the shame but
you remain inside of me.

Traveling through my body like a virus
touching every organ and vein that you can manipulate
and strain. And you do. Because I allow you to.

I allow you to call me past 10 o'clock
I allow you to not call me for 3 days but when my phone rings,
I pick up. I allow myself to make the poor decision to come over.
Knowing this won't go anywhere past your bedroom.
I allow your second-hand treatment because I'm tied to you.

See, somewhere along the way between me being
"The Broken-Hearted Girl" and the "Savage"
I realized I wanted more, I deserved more.
You filled my head with hopes of us,
only so you could get your head up.
And I was a fool because I felt something for you.
But you, you just wanted to feel good.

And I did that for you. But what do I get in return?
Confusing text messages about keeping your options open
and being #TeamUs? I should have never gave myself to you!!!

But I did. Now I can't ignore your calls.
I'm afraid that if I put you on the block list you'll have a change of heart.
But you won't. Because you know what you want.
And it's pieces of me. You don't want all of me.
Because all of me scares you. And that's fine with me too.

Which is why I baptize myself in this hot, steamy shower.
Sanitize my soul and wash away the guilt.
I hear my phone ringing and I see your messages.
But I can't respond because I deserve better than what you're giving.
I can't give you anymore pieces.

Whether you understand it or not, whether you agree to it or not,
I'm officially walking away.