STRIPPED

As women, we work very diligently in our churches to make sure everything is ran smoothly. Some of us have the role of First Lady, Pastor's / Preacher's Daughter, Deaconess, Usher Board President, Praise & Worship Leader, Choir Member, Pastor's Aide President and the list goes on. We find time to be there for everyone during their most painful experiences. We're taught to control our anger, tame our tongue, and represent the Kingdom in an wholesome manner. But what happens when your world falls apart and God is silent?

As the daughter of  Pastors, my life has always been put on display. And going through a divorce doesn't make it any better. For the past 11 years I've shared my parents with the community and surrounding cities. Sharing is NOT a great asset I posses. I'm selfish with my parents, and if you are a Pastor's/Preacher's Kid then you catch my drift.

I've watched them pray for people who have left them high and dry. I've seen them get up in the middle of the night and travel to pray for a family who lost a loved one. I've seen them minister in front of people who they knew have disgraced their name. But they never once returned the favor. I remember hearing my mother say, "When you know WHO YOU ARE, nothing else matters."

So the question lies, WHO ARE WE?

I can honestly say that I've never seen the true value of my life until I hit rock bottom in my divorce. I didn't understand why God could let this happen to ME. "But I go to church every Sunday, I sing for you, I've never cheated on my husband." I'd say. But was it done genuinely?

After separating from my husband "doing church" was my cover up. It covered up my anger, my hurt, my disappointment, and my shame. However, A little sip from my "sippie cup" helped me through my lonely weekends, "my healing trees" helped me numb the pain, and my "special night caps" was my way of getting the temporary love that I needed for the moment.

I didn't know a thing about self-love or self-value. I just wanted to feel good so I wouldn't feel bad. "I don't love you and I want a DIVORCE!!!!" constantly ran through my head. I was angry, so I drank. I was lonely, so I would sleep around. Melody Battle says it best, "discounting our emotions won't make our feelings go away."

So I decided to strip down the layers of my pain. I had to forgive and let things be. I had to forgive my husband for telling me he never loved me. I had to forgive myself for devaluing my body and treating it like it was nothing. I had to get to my core and heal. I had to heal from the INSIDE so it could show on the OUTSIDE. I was so busy being lost that I never took the time to find myself. I hid my pain behind Praise & Worship and cried behind my prayers.

But this time I had to STRIP. I had to strip away my roles of being the Pastor's Daughter, Praise & Worship Leader, Office Manager, Sunday School Teacher, I had to TAKE IT OFF!!! I had put so much energy into hiding my pain that I became exhausted. I was tired, I didn't want to be in church, I didn't even want to go to church but something kept pushing me and pulling away my layers.

It was God. It had to be Him, I was just too busy "turning up" that I couldn't hear him speaking to me. But I learned that STRIPPING isn't always a bad thing. I had to take off the things that were holding me hostage to a lifestyle I didn't recognize. I realized that it was okay for me to not always be "on fleek" or wear my makeup everyday. It's okay to NOT be okay.

You can STRIP too!!! Let Jesus into your core so people can see you shine from the INSIDE out.

Authentically Yours,

Ariel Marie