Guarded

I hear what you’re saying to me 

“I’m not like the other ones,” 

trust me I’ve heard it before. 

That same exact line, but with their hands, they still explored. They explored parts of my heart that I should have kept hidden but their words were like pins that lodged themselves into a place that I should have guarded. 

But, 

I didn’t.

You see, I let his silver tongue get the best of me. He promised me love and everything in between while he was in between me. Making me feel good. No, making my flesh feel good. Cause my heart, he didn’t really care for. He knew what to say in order for the glass around my heart to be removed. I thought if I removed the glass and saw my vulnerability he would love me better. 

But, 

He didn’t.

I allowed myself to listen to the lies. 

I allowed myself to get hurt because I wanted a warm body for the moment.

I allowed myself to accept long term emotional pain so my body could be satisfied. 

But it wasn’t just the sex that kept me around. It was the conversations we would have. The laughter we would share. The tears I cried on his shoulder. But he never loved me. He couldn’t have. Because every time he made me smile, he would stab my heart 4 times. So now I have to guard it. 

I have to guard this heart of mine.

It ain’t easy because sometimes I get tired. 

I get tired of overthinking and wondering if your motives are really true. 

I get tired from tossing and turning all night because I really do want to. 

I want to remove this glass around my heart.

Hell, I really want you to shatter that glass!!! 

Break it and bandage my open wounds with your truth. Heal my heart with your genuine spirit. And reassure me that even though this heart of mine is damaged, IT CAN STILL LOVE AGAIN.

Because,

I can 

I know the love is there.

I know it can be revived.

I know I can smile again.

I know I don’t have to keep the glass around my heart. But I just can’t give my heart to anybody. So excuse me if I ask you a lot of questions. Excuse me if I give you the side eye. Excuse me if I don’t give you my all. But this time I gotta be sure, this time, I can’t be wrong. This time, I gotta be a little more wiser. This time I have to practice a little self-control. This time, I’m not guarding my heart, I’m waiting for the right one to come and smash the glass. 

Releasing for the Blessing

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."-Philippians 4:6-7

     I remember when I was in the fourth grade, there was a specific subject that I could not stand in school. Yep, you guessed it, Physical Education (P.E.)!!! I couldn't stand P.E.!!! And the days we had to play outside in the HOT TEXAS SUN....LORD JESUS!!! I was a girly-girl who loved books, lip gloss, AND PLAYING INSIDE WITH AIR CONDITIONING. Sweating was not a ministry I wanted to be apart of. I loved looking good and leaving with every barrette in tact. On top of hating P.E., there was a specific activity that could not stand....TUG OF WAR!!! That long brown rope with a group of ten on each side competing to see who had the most strength. Yeah, I didn't like it one bit. 

     Well, this specific day, I was dressed extra cute (I was into the Clueless look; thank God for deliverance) and I didn't plan on being picked for either team. But you know what they say, "when we make plans, God laughs." One of the team leaders for the Tug Of War teams picked me to be on her team. I guess she didn't know she was about to lose. LOL. So, I pranced over to the rope and got in formation (yes, I said formation). The coach told each side to grab the rope and when she blew the whistle we needed to pull with every ounce of strength we had. So, she blew her whistle and each team pulled with all of their strength. 

     Who knew that pulling on something would hurt!? My hands started to turn red, I started to grunt and sweat, baby I even took off my shoes and started pulling harder, but my team was weak. They were depending on me to take up majority of the work, but I needed them more than they needed me. The other team started to pull us in but I wasn't going down without a fight. So I gripped the rope a little tighter and I pulled. Then, my hand got a little cut in it (but I was a huge drama queen and put on a scene) and I released the rope, ran to the bathroom and ran my hand under some cool water. The immediate relief I felt after letting go of that rope was like Jesus healing my hand. 

     But that's how life is sometimes. We're so busy pulling on what we don't need. Bad relationships, friendships, loved ones, family members, jobs, etc. And all it's doing is causing damage to us and everything that concerns us. It's time to release what's hindering so God can give you a blessing. The crazy thing is, some of us don't know when or how to let go. We wont release the rope until God forces HIS hand. 

1.) Prayer

• We have to communicate to God that we have a problem with letting go and trusting him. The issue is greater than you. Better yet, the issue isn't about you. But this is the first step to talking to your Father and asking for His help. God needs your transparency and authenticity. He can't help what your not willing to acknowledge.

2.) Petition

• Stop telling people your business!!! They can't help you. Bring it to God. He's been there since day one. People will give your their views and opinion but God will give you DIVINE DIRECTION. He put you in this position for a reason. Everything that's hurting you or causing you to not be on your 'A Game' was set up by God so He could get your attention. He's waiting, are you willing?

3.) Thanksgiving

• Thank Him for the pain. It's necessary. He's making the situation painful so you wont go back. He wanted the breakup to be painful, He wanted you to lose your job, He wanted your friends to turn their backs on you. He did all of that to get your attention. He wants to be your strength, your source, your everything. But He has a requirement, RELEASE!!!

     It's time to let it all go. Release the rope. Stop holding on to what's hurting you. Surrender it. Leave it. And move forward!!! The blessings that God has stored up for you are far greater than what you can imagine. As soon as you release what you're holding, God will give you peace, he'll guard your heart and he'll protect your mind. And as the old, Baptist saying goes, "Let Go and LET GOD!!!"

Authentically Yours, 

Ariel Marie

Walking Away....

I've tried bar soaps and shower gels,
bath salts and body lotions
but I still can't remove the pain that you've placed on my heart.

I've tried standing under the running water
crying out to God to remove the shame but
you remain inside of me.

Traveling through my body like a virus
touching every organ and vein that you can manipulate
and strain. And you do. Because I allow you to.

I allow you to call me past 10 o'clock
I allow you to not call me for 3 days but when my phone rings,
I pick up. I allow myself to make the poor decision to come over.
Knowing this won't go anywhere past your bedroom.
I allow your second-hand treatment because I'm tied to you.

See, somewhere along the way between me being
"The Broken-Hearted Girl" and the "Savage"
I realized I wanted more, I deserved more.
You filled my head with hopes of us,
only so you could get your head up.
And I was a fool because I felt something for you.
But you, you just wanted to feel good.

And I did that for you. But what do I get in return?
Confusing text messages about keeping your options open
and being #TeamUs? I should have never gave myself to you!!!

But I did. Now I can't ignore your calls.
I'm afraid that if I put you on the block list you'll have a change of heart.
But you won't. Because you know what you want.
And it's pieces of me. You don't want all of me.
Because all of me scares you. And that's fine with me too.

Which is why I baptize myself in this hot, steamy shower.
Sanitize my soul and wash away the guilt.
I hear my phone ringing and I see your messages.
But I can't respond because I deserve better than what you're giving.
I can't give you anymore pieces.

Whether you understand it or not, whether you agree to it or not,
I'm officially walking away.

The New Guy

If love makes me feel this way, I DON'T WANT IT!!!
Constantly reaching for something I can't have and you,
reaching at your convenience.
I'd rather reach for Jesus.
At least I know He'll be more than welcome to have me.
Invite me into His universe and love me unconditionally.

Because loving you is confusing and it puts me in a bad head space.
I don't even know if that's a word but tonight it is.
I know you said that you would change but your actions aren't showing it.
What you need to know is that I've counseled with God about all the emotions.
And He simply asked me, "Do you feel it?"

"Do you know that every time you call your man, he'll pick up the phone?
Or will he glance and the screen, silence it, because he wants to be left alone.
When you bring up issues that bother you, will he listen?
Or will he blow it off and dismiss you?

So this is what I want you to do. Block him out for a while and make him non-existent.
Make ME your priority and I'll show him what he's missing.
Let him see how happy you are with me because I'm grooming you for purpose.
He'll be upset for a while but that's because he's jealous.
He's jealous of what I'm doing to you. Holding you up and loving you.
Shaping you and transforming you. Taking you out of the world and elevating you to another dimension.
Making you understand all of your worth.

You're mine now and I'm preparing you for something greater.
Not a man, a platform, but something far greater.
I chose you and now, he'll just have to admire you from afar.
And the next time he calls, SILENCE IT.
If he wants to know more about 'The New Guy'
make him aware I can be found in The Holy Bible."

Vulnerable Soul

I want to love again
But I'm afraid to unmask my pain
I want to be held again
So I'm asking you to break this chain
My pride can get in the way sometimes
And I forget to put my ego aside
I even wonder if you still love me sometimes

Because I've messed up every opportunity You've thrown my way
You've handed me life lines and passed by with tugboats
but I could never stay afloat.
Drowning in all my sins
knowing all along I shackled myself to what I knew I couldn't let go of.
Can you hear me? Do you see me?

My arms are above water and I'm reaching. Hoping you can save me.
I'm desperate for you and I can barely catch my breath.
I'm screaming for you and I hear you scream back,
"You have the keys to unlock you SHACKLES!!!"

So I look in my left hand and nothing is there.
I look in my right hand and you said, "They're a pair!!!"
"Hold them together and talk to me. Tell me how much you need me in your life.
Tell me that I'm the only one for you. Tell me that you'll stop sleeping with these fools.
Only then will I be able to save you. Tell me that you'll stop waiting by the phone to hear
those unfulfilled promises. Tell me that you're waiting for me to move on your behalf.
I know you're vulnerable because I'm vulnerable too. Do you know how long I've waited
to be your GROOM? I know your heart is broken, I allowed that to happen. I want to be
the man that will make you whole again. I want to be the man you can have late night conversations with.
I want to be the man that wraps My arms around you and shape you for purpose. Oh okay, I hear you now.
I hear you praying and crying aloud. i was prepared for this moment. I've been waiting for this moment.
Here I am. Give me your hand, give me your heart, give me your VULNERABLE SOUL."

Authentically Yours,

Ariel Marie

Everything That's Good To You Ain't Good For You

"My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. Keep me from deceitful ways; be gracious to me and teach me your law."-Psalms 119: 28-29

     I know the headline is incorrect grammar, but truth be told, I just needed to get your attention for a few minutes. In my previous post I made you aware that my father comes up with the best colloquialisms for his parishioners to use on their daily Christian journey and my title for this blog stems from him. 

     There are times in our lives where we experience the worst of the worst. Anything that we can think of that is horrible and can happen to us, has or will happen. Life is not fair. We're not given the privilege to pick out our lives, however, we've been chosen to live the best life that we've been given. Yet, when we're going through these tough times, we find something to help us cope with our situation. Whether it be alcohol, sex, drugs, we need something to help us deal with a situation that is out of our control. Does it make it right? Will the situation disappear? Will it help bring you to the next level? No. Just because those things are good to you, doesn't mean it's good for you.

     The alcohol may wash away the negative thoughts but the problem will still be there. The sex may hold you for about a week but God will keep you when you're crying in the middle of the night. The weed may cloud out the depression, but His strength is made perfect in our weaknesses. The problem is we don't want to feel the pain. We just want God to bless us and keep it moving. God is not a PROSTITUTE!!! We can't call Him whenever we feel as though we need Him. That's not how God works. He just wants you to trust Him and believe in Him. The question is, how do I walk away from what I consider good?

1.) Ask for His Strength When You Walk Away

Easier said than done right? Yeah, I know. Just walk away? Ignore the married man's phone call in the middle of the night? Don't meet up with the crew and get high? Stay at home this weekend and stay sober? In the verse above (verse 28) David asked The Lord to strengthen him according to His word. He didn't ask for strength by women, liquor or drugs. He asked for the word. He knew what the world had to offer couldn't amount to the strength he was asking God for. He needed DIVINE STRENGTH to get off the road he was on so he could live out his DIVINE PURPOSE.

2.) Allow God to Keep You

One thing that I've come to realize about God, He will always give you a way out when you've placed yourself in a sinful situation. It wasn't a mistake when your tire blew out on your way to your 'boo-thang's house. You were probably ovulating and didn't even know it, but God knew that you weren't ready for a child. It was no mistake when you lost your job because of poor life decisions. God needed to get you to a low place so you could solely depend on Him. Verse 29 opens with, "keep me from deceitful ways." David knew that he couldn't fight the world by himself. He needed God to keep him covered and protected. David needed God to provide a way of escape by keeping him when everything was going wrong in his life.

3.) Acknowledge God's Grace and His Laws

God will not bless a mess!!! Let's just get that straight. GOD WILL NOT BLESS A MESS!!!! I know the drug dealer has rims on his latest Benz, being a stripper is the new come up and the street pharmacist gets paid more than your regular 9-5. But you are the exception. What God has for you is more than what you can imagine. But you have to get rid of what you consider good and get with His GRACE. David knew he couldn't stand by himself. David needed God's grace and his laws so he could stay in the will of God. David knew he wouldn't always get his journey with God right. He knew he would make mistakes and fall. But he humbled himself and asked God for help. 

     It's not by mistake you're reading this. And you're not alone in your walk. Sometimes when I talk to God I tell Him, "I feel like I'm blind with nothing to guide me." But the Lord put me together real quick. He made me aware I feel this way because I haven't asked Him or allowed Him to guide me. I thought I could handle it on my own because I know that Ariel can take care of Ariel. But I was getting in the way of my own blessings. My pride was my protection and I believed that it was good to me. However, I learned that just because my pride was good to me, DOESN'T MEAN IT WAS GOOD FOR ME. My pride had to die in order for my PURPOSE to live. Walk with God blindfolded. Trust Him to bring you out. Allow God to change and rearrange your life. God will not fail.

Authentically Yours,

Ariel Marie

When Your Flesh Fights Your Faith

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." -Ephesians 6:12 KJV

This IS NOT another post about spiritual warfare. I'm not about to go into some prophetic flow, speak in tongues or tell you 'what thus said The Lord of Hosts.' It would sound nice, I would sound pretty connected to The Big G-O-D. But, that's not how I was able and still able to maintain my faith in tough situations.

Have you ever had a dream but you were fearful of how you would reach it? Did you ever have a vision for something and reality set in so you decided to put it on hold for a year (or two)? Have you ever felt incompetent of carrying the gift God gave you? If your answer is yes, Honey, I'm right there with you.

Daily, I pray for God to remove the fear that I have so I can walk boldly in my gift. My flesh tries to weaken me every chance it gets. Discouraging me from writing on my blog, writing songs, even recording some of the material that I write. Some of you may be battling with your flesh right now. And as you read this post, I want you to be encouraged. I want you to gain the confidence that you need so you can hold your head high and know that after reading this you can start putting your flesh in check.

1.) Sometimes the ENEMY is the INNER ME (Pastor Albert Moses Jr.)
   
     In case you didn't know, my father is a pastor and has been for a little over a decade. From time to time he comes up with the best colloquialisms for his sermons on Sunday. This particular one stuck with me and for a good reason. Sometimes WE GET IN OUR OWN WAY!!! Yes, you!!! Sometimes we have to take a look in the mirror and check the person staring back at us. Personally speaking, my mouth is my worst enemy. It's okay, I'll say ouch for you. OUCH!!!
     I have this alter ego (Bonquiqui) she only arises depending on how you speak and respond to me in certain situations. Now remember, I did say, I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS!!! However, I have to fight her everyday with the Word of God. James 1:8 clearly says, "A double minded man is UNSTABLE in ALL his ways." And the last time I checked, I'm too cute to be unstable. KEEP YOURSELF IN CHECK!!!

2.) Get you some GODfidence
    
     Do you know what kind of God you have living inside of you? Do you know what kind gift He has placed inside of you? The same God that created Adam, gave the promise to Abraham, delivered Daniel, covered David, converted Rehab, CAN AND WILL DO THE EXACT SAME FOR YOU!!! Maybe this will explain it better. Numbers 23:19 says, "God is not a man, that He should lie; neither the son of man, that he should repent: hath he said, and shall he not do it? Or hath he spoken, and shall he not make it good?"
     Now if that didn't fire you up, maybe my version will. God is God. If he promised you something, you have to believe that it will come to pass. He's not like us, fickle and frail, inconsistent and constantly changing our minds. He reigns supreme and He sits high. God is on YOUR SIDE!!! He wants to see you win, but He also wants your trust.

DO NOT GIVE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE, YOU JUST MIGHT LOSE THE WAR!!! Continue to pursue even when the promise seems so far away. Your flesh wants you to stay where you are but God has a more for you. More than you can ever imagine. Keep building your brand, let the haters talk (I call haters SILENT CHEERLEADERS-I'll break that down in the next blog) keep dancing, writing, singing, playing sports, whatever God has gifted you to do, DO IT & THRIVE!!! Let your flesh know who's in charge and who has dominion inside of you. Continue to pursue your purpose by fighting your FLESH with your FAITH!!!

Authentically Yours,

Ariel Marie